There's A Fine Line Between Charming And Irritating

I was on a tear today. State writing tests are tomorrow and with two days out for snow last week, we were eons behind where we should have been in regards to testing administration. The work should have been done months ago.

When the powers that govern testing promised last week to "get right on this", I was able to be zen about it. Maybe kids don't need to know all this information weeks ahead of time. Maybe I just worry too much.

With ten minutes left before my English class left the room, never to return until test day, however, the time for zen was gone. It was time for righteous anger.

I raged. I raged to the office in charge of testing, I raged to two principals. Things were handled, sort of, and my principal asked me to gather the thoughts of my department as to what went wrong in the process.

I was more than happy to oblige.

My afternoon classes were researching, so I was able to furiously compile my thoughts in between walk-arounds to check on my class's progress.

I warned them to tow the line today. No chatter, all efficiency. I was a bit of a loose cannon today.

With that, I sat down between my two silliest boys. I was ready to compose my screed.

This is to document the events leading up to Fall testing...

"Hey, Ms Educat? I have a question. You're going to think I'm being silly, but I'm serious."

"Hmm? What?"

"Is there any kind of chance that we could get William Shatner to visit our school?"

"No." I say, not looking up. "Can't see it. Not a chance."

"Oh. Hey--you know why Adam Smith is my favorite philosopher?"

"Mmm? Why?"

"Because! He was totally kidnapped by gypsies!!"

I snort, lay my head down in front of the computer, and shake with laughter a bit.

and try to compose myself and work up the rage again...

...the events leading up to Fall testing. We have some very real concerns...

"So if Shatner couldn't come, then we probably couldn't get Ricardo Montalbon
either, right?"

"Nope." (type-ity, type, type...)

It's silent for a few minutes while my Ritilin Ranger reads for a moment

"I don't get The Wealth of Nations. Can you help me read this? Please?"

"Yessss" with a sigh. Trying to be patient.

We read. Slowly. It takes about a page before he has a grip on the basic ideas, and with that, he goes back to read. He does so for a good while.

"Would it be ok if I walk for a while? Just to clear my head and think?"

How is it that this kid isn't making me crazy? How am I so amused at this moment by him?

"That's a great idea. I really appreciate that you want to walk this off instead
of irritating others. Thank you."

He takes a lap around the library, and returns to me with an observation.

"Hey, you know what? There's those "read" posters that show all the athletes
reading classic books?"

I looked at the poster later, and for the record, he considered, "The Purpose Driven Life" a classic

"...And, you know, Shaq is reading like,a sports book? Yeah, I bet he's the only
one who picked his own book. Hey, if I ever designed a philosopher video game,
would you play it?"

I finished my nasty letter draft, and with much lower blood pressure than when I began.

Thank you, Ritilin Ranger.

Mean Girl Geography!!

Today, they asked me, seriously, if Amsterdam is in Canada and The Ukraine is in Japan. Now, foolishness aside, I know they want to know about Amsterdam because of, well, weed. But The Ukraine? What do they know about the region that they could possibly link to Japanese culture?

We eliminated Geography on the curriculum for what...Oklahoma History? Here's the quick version of Oklahoma History.

Land Run, displaced Native Americans, Trail of Tears, Alfalfa Bill Murray, Statehood, um...Trail of Tears, Wiley Post, Will Rogers, Red Diaper Babies, Dust Bowl, Woody Guthrie, Invention of shopping cart and parking meter, Maria Tallchief and the Cherokee Ballerinas, Rogers and Hammerstein, Tulsa Race Riots, Oil Boom, Oil Bust, Wilma Mankiller, Oklahoma City Bombing.*

...and that's more than you might get from the long course.

The upside came in a link from my Language Arts coordinator, it seems simple grammar can be taught to songbirds!

And if we can teach them to bubble an answer sheet, I plan to test them next year.

*Apologies are in order if I have missed a vital part of the history of our Great State.

Flavor Of Love

I am watching this kid as she observes her classmates reading Us and Cosmo after testing. They are drawing elaborate pictures with highlighters and she's looking at me as if to say, "Kids. Whattayagonnado?"

and I realize that Goth Lite is my favorite flavor of child.

Blessings Of Testing Season To You

This testing season, I am grateful for...

• That one elective Humanities class that reminds me that school isn't always about marking bubbles.
• My choice not to give up any food items for Lent. Stress eating is just about all I have left.
• A school email that can color my text red so that my emails can end with the words "and then there's testing" and just the right bite.
• Benchmark test scores that skew low. I can use them to scare in their natural form but just at the right time pull out the phrase "of course, you could probably add 20 points to this and it would equal an EOI."
• That one kid in the back in first hour that has a zillion questions. When he asks the question, I know that three other kids in the class are wondering the same thing. Thank you, kid in the back, for not yet knowing that questions are uncool.
• The bluff "We're not doing testing stuff today, let's read from the lit book!" that allows me to own children for a day and slip in some hardcore work on dramatic and situational irony.
• The knowledge that this is my blog, dammit, and I don't have to link to a State standard when I write the words "dramatic and situational irony".
• That whole "figurative language bee" idea from the listserv.
• Full strength cola
• and coffee
• and yarn
• That slackjawed look from the 11th grade teachers today when I showed up at faculty meeting with highlighted score reports and intervention plans.
• Fellow English II teachers to whom I can entrust my children in our round robin remediation festival.

Mean Girl Theatre

Mean Girl #2--"Why can't we take our vocab books home when first hour does?"

"There's several reasons for that."

Mean #2---"What are they?"

"Well, the main one is that I am a little concerned that you all aren't making good use of your time. I tend to hear a lot of visiting and not much work being done so I want to limit your time in order for you to finish quickly."

Mean #2's paramour--"Yeah, we talk, but we still get our work done!"

"Exactly, so you shouldn't need to take your books home."

Mean #2 hits her Paramour so hard I swear it leaves a mark and glowers at him.

Just So You Know There's Goodness And Light In My Day

From my email inbox, moments ago...

Ms E--
I just had to tell you about the most freaking hilarious thing ever. That
Army guy on Deal or No Deal had his HIGH SCHOOL DEBATE COACH on the show to help
him. I would totally do that.

Perhaps The Greatest Educational Question Facing Our Schools

Our faculty is in the midst of a disciplinary revival meeting lately. There's been the same shouting and raising of hands making promises that are good, but we probably can't live up to them in the end.

Except it isn't over on Wednesday night and there's no traveling singer selling CD's in the lobby. No hot dog supper, either. Instead, it's just enforcing these good but hard promises today. One of our areas of conviction has been the dress code.

And so with questions on this new commitment, a friend emailed the entire English department today. How, she queried, do we make the call on when cleavage defies the laws of the dress code? Within an hour, one of us hit "reply all" and the emails were a-flying!

I tend to think of cleavage like a certain Supreme Court justice thinks of porn (and which Justice was it, seriously?) I know it when I see it. But how can we set a standard? Is it about a measurement from the neck down? Is it about curvature or peaks and valleys? Or is it to be left to the subjective standard that forces a male teacher friend of mine to the following exchanges?

Friend: Miss, I believe your shirt doesn't meet the dress code.
Girl: Why!? It's not that bad!!
Friend: Miss, if I see that shirt much longer I will feel that I owe you
money.

Anyone have a definition here?

I Didn't Intentionally Aim My Bullet-y List At You

So now you that worry for my friend is another source of my cranky (see! It wasn't Valentine's Day!). It's the week to turn in grades, enrollment paperwork, our annual ten page survey for CareerTech, and have a whopping two faculty meetings.

Everything, EVERYTHING, is getting to me today.

For example,

• Science, and not just my own sense of doom, now indicates that I will die alone like a dog.
• It seems that standardized testing will soon hit higher ed and now our quest to legislate the least influential factor in the learning patterns of a young adult will be complete!
• He said what!?!?!
• While searching for resources on this film, I somehow Google-tripped to another site with fine religious art and enjoyed my biggest belly laugh of the day.
• Our mandated "let's all talk about improving our already great school!" meeting brought to the surface one faculty member whose greatest worry was that our geographically based lunch schedule (first lunch is A, B, and C halls, etc) created too large a group for his particular teacher's lounge and therefore should be scrapped.
• And with all that crowding in the lounge (which I somehow never have time to visit), evidently one teacher decided the microwaves were "too dangerous" and carried them off, leaving a note on the dangers of the microwave.
• I just threw those last two in so you'd see that others are handling their pressure with equal style and grace.

Think Over The Think It Over

At school, are getting ready to enroll for next year. I have an advisory group of 15 kids I will see through the process. I have their transcripts and am setting up conferences with their parents for an evening next week. My group happen to be Junior enrolling for their Senior year, so it's particularly important. With some kids, we are writing stacked schedules with all the academics they hadn't passed and talking about Summer school. For others (most in my group, actually), we are working to beef up schedules, talking about concurrent enrollment, or sometimes finding electives to fill out their schedule.

Today while working with a student who seems not to have passed any History classes so far, I hear a conversation.

Is Marraige and Family hard?

Nah, they talk about relationships and child care and stuff.

Dontcha gotta carry the
baby?

You don't have to carry the baby. You can write a report.

I'll carry the baby.

You can cheat the baby, you know?

Yeah?

You can put a block of wood behind its head so it looks like you're holding
it. You can also put its diaper over its head instead of feeding it. It's all
done with magnets and the diaper has one."

I decide to step in here, much to the relief of my young Historian.

So, you stick wood behind the baby's head and rub its face its own magnetic
waste!?!

Ummm...yeah? It's not real or anything.

This Week In Nerd

When I told you of what I shall now call "The Day Of Four", I should have pointed out that two of the four were told to me by a friend of the girls themselves. I say this because I didn't "officially" know. I listened to their friend (last week's milkshake girl) because it burdens her when she sees all her friends making these choices, but promised to keep the info under my lid.

Yesterday after our weekly nerd event, #2 told me. Teen pregnancy #2 is The Saint. I hugged and questioned and listened and by the end we were joined by Milkshake. Somehow, the conversation turned to my knitting. Would I knit for this baby? (and let it be said that I am torn here. I have no answer for the question at this time and will speak of the conflict later) I told the saint how much I would rather make her a lovely scarf for college graduation. By this time, I think that Milkshake is so happy to have someone officially share the burden of this secret that she's dancing (yes, again with the dancing).

"I want a scarf! Make me a scarf!! I should get a scarf with a V for being the
only virgin!!!"

You know, I can't make a habit of knitting for students, but I just might sneak her something. What's the perfect pattern for a Virgin scarf? Let me know...

Ghosts Of Crazy Children Past

So I'm walking through the mall, dressed up like an adult in the pants I got for Christmas (long enough!! My pants touch the top of my shoes!!), when a kid rushes up and matches my steps.

Junior III!

So here is Educat, dressed like a real adult, exclaiming with delight at seeing this baggy pants-ed, over-blinged, young man. I love the picture it must have made.

Here's the bad news from the visit: He's not been in school since he was kicked out of my school (what for? non-attendance.) and really doesn't know if he wants to return, since he'd still be in 9th grade. He was working at Long John Silver's, but was fired. I begged him to go back to school and to come and see me if he returns to our school.

The good news? Evidently all this hardship hasn't taken the song from his heart. He danced around the entire time we spoke.

The Vital Importance Of Us Magazine

Here at the Ramblin' Educat, we try to pass along handy teaching tips whenever possible. It's bread for the journey for my fellow educrats and gives the rest of you a teeney peek into this strange life I have chosen.

Here's the tip: Hoard trashy entertainment magazines.

My friend across the hall has subscriptions to Us and Entertainment Weekly and passes them on to me. I read through them, and somehow the stack of magazines kept growing and the issues never found their way to my house. I decided to play along and make them a classroom tool. So as kids finished with their EOI tests, I walked up and down the aisles like a flight attendant, offering trashy, fluffy goodness as reward for a job (hopefully) well done.

Turns out, the day after testing the antique who monitored my test raved about me and this practice to anyone who'd listen (although I wonder if he'd be as impressed if I'd done it while wearing dungarees). "She actually occupies those children! She's the only teacher I have ever seen who occupies those children!"

Can I be honest? Besides the fact that his praise seems somehow condescending, I just don't take compliments well. The fervor that surrounded my recent switch to contact lenses was quite nearly too much for me. At one time, I even put my hands over my face and kind of squealed "Stop looking at me, please!".

But enough about me, back to the magazines. I am quite sure they saved us all at points. It seems the rowdiest kids are always the ones to finish testing first and keeping them looking at pictures of Nick and Ashley buys us a few moments of peace while other kids finish.

Thursday, however, the peacemaking powers of Us were more fully realized. My darling little credit recovery kids are nothing if not chatty. Since their work is self-guided, they tend to space out and visit with each other about whatever shiny thing catches their eye. The other day, Babygirl espied the latest Us which promised all the dirt on Brittany's tearful decision to send her darling K-Fed packing (at least temporarily). "Oh!", cries Babygirl with all the seriousness of me wondering aloud about Supreme Court appointments, "Can I read that? I really need to know what's going on with Brittany and Kevin.".

I think a moment, deciding to hitch up that wonder for celebrity gossip to the wagon of her education.

"Let's make a deal. If you work silently for twenty minutes, I will read this article and summarize it for you. That way, you get your dose of news and some work done to passing English."

She did, and I found my wings as a celebrity gossip commentator. I have this new method of delivery for news on trashy teen pop stars. I do the tried and true head wag, but accompany it with a raised finger, dropped consonants, and a smack for punctuation. Ahhh...that Theatre degree isn't wasted at all.

Thank you, thank you, Us magazine.

This Was All The Same Eight Hour Period

Today, an eager young field rep for our local congressman came to my classroom to work with my kids. He's this All-American, soon to be law school grad. I like the guy, but something about his hair just screams "I ran the Young Republicans as an undergrad.". He has a great time with the kids. They are cute and charming and even pretty smart. He gives them good feedback and a lovely time is had by all.

At the end, I ask if the kids have any questions of him. Up pipes my resident nonconformist. She's a drama child--the one I have had to remind more than once that it's not "her-time" at this exact moment. So she looks at young Opie Cunningham field rep and says...

"Do you always dress like you're about to rob a fancy bank?"

I plan on curling up in a ball and dying, like to join me?

And then, Babygirl shares something priceless. I give you King of The Jews, Revisited.

She speaks out of a total silence...

Babygirl: "Hey y'all, guess what!?"
Jaded Kid: "What, God's Jewish!?"
Babygirl: "Yeah! Oh...yeah. Y'all
told me that."

Kicking It Old School

And so, for another semester, it is the end of the End Of Instruction testing. Today, we entertained a special guest star. Or should I say, he entertained me.

We had a sub today serving as a monitor for testing. His job was to walk around with me, handing out pencils and kleenex, making sure that no errant bubbling of bubbles took place.

His other job was to baffle me completely.

We go to breakfast, and he is full of questions.

"Is this breakfast standard at all schools?"
"No, at least I don't think so.
We just do it to better prepare our kids to sit and test and it also shows that
testing is important to us. We hope it gives them a good sendoff."
"Harumph.
I just read an article about how we coddle kids. We hand them everything, even
in college, and they don't really grow up until they're 30.
"Hmmm...there
might be some truth to that, but by the time they're 15, part of that damage is
already done. I'm not unlikely to fix everything that might be wrong. I think I
have to find a balance between challenge and encouragement."
"So tell
me...(he leans in conspiratorially)...is it true that the Orientals are your
ideal students?"

I fight the urge to tell the gentleman that Orientals are rugs and Asians are people.

We move on to the breakfast line. He is giving all the students the once-over.

"So do the girls not ever wear dresses anymore?"
"Oh, sometimes. Not very often, I guess"

I do want credit for not informing the gentleman that we don't bind the feet of the girls either. Instead, I tell him...

"I will venture a guess that you've never worn a dress, they aren't very
comfortable, you know. I think these girls go more for comfort."

Back in the testing room, the man read the paper the entire time while I (wearing a very uncomfortable dress, by the way) did all of the walking around the room. I think he was pleased to see that I was knitting while I monitored. And that I wore a dress.

Kids Say The Darndest Things

• "You mean to tell me that Jesus Christ was Jewish?!?!?!"

After I noticed a blonde-haired, fair skinned baby Jesus on a Christmas decoration, I commented on the irony. Babygirl was shocked to hear that Jesus might be other than Caucasian. I told her the Jewish Christ was evident from every read of scripture I have tried.

• "You just need to know that you are the reason I am missing ten days of school!"

This from the young lady who recieved a referral for walking out of State Mandated Testing proclaiming it to be "Bullshit" (and while I agree with her, not such a good idea).

• "I am not going to work on this outside of school because I sleep every day when I get home and I don't need your help on this (group) assignment so stop trying!"

Sparky's major group assignment is a week late.

We're All Important For Something

End of Instruction Testing is next week. The long pep rallies in which I am the only cheerleader have begun. The other day, I was in the midst of one such encouragement sessions...

"On the day that you take an EOI test, you are the most important student in the school. In fact, I would say that since English II students do two days of testing (for writing and objective testing), English II students are the most important students at school."

"So, uuuuuuuhhh, I took English II twice so I must be real important!"

...and no, I didn't laugh out loud. Not even a snicker.

...and to think that I saw it...

I just saw a child in the hall wearing a light up scrolling marquis belt buckle.

Really, I did.

Please don't ask what the message was, I refuse to focus my eyes there for any amount of time.

An Entry On My Springy-Nerd-Like Neck

Mid December to late February is a busy time for my kids. We refer to it as "nerd season". We The People, Model UN, and Youth and Government all have their culminating events during this time and I will probably have only one non-holiday weekend free. Lots of these kids do all three events, and we laud them for completing "The Nerd Trifecta".

Nerd season kicked off early this year with We The People district competition this past Saturday. It was a lovely time, the kids exceeded my expectations.

Sometimes I wonder how I must look while listening to my kids compete. I go into this otherworldly state of notetaking, concentration, and active active listening accompanied by nodding. It's quite intense and I am usually worn out after a day of competing.

I had an interesting talk with one of the many parents that went with us this weekend (we had some fifteen spectators, all of whom were appropriately proud). After this wonderful morning of watching children speak intelligently, his first thought was, in all seriousness,

"You must be really tired now."
"Yeah, it takes a lot out of me."
"How tired is your neck, you know, from all the nodding?"
"Um...well...a little bit. I guess maybe I looked a bit like a dashboard
dog or something?"
"Yes! You did! That's it!!"

It's good that children have the biggest nerd ever leading them in nerd season.

Sophomores, Wise Fools

In my never ending effort to make the study of rhyme scheme edifying for us all, we used song lyrics to learn the concept today. We had Beatles, Prince, a stanza of Nas, and some Marvin Gaye. Listen in...

• Educat attempts to uncover meaning in Prince's Sign O' The Times

"So what do you think it means when the author says 'In September, my cousin tried reefer for the very first time, now he's doing horse, it's June.'?"

Silence

...at last a quiet voice dares to speculate....

"Umm....did he quit weed and become a jockey? I mean, it says he's on horse, so he rides one, right?"

• Educat and Class expound upon Eleanor Rigby

We have wrapped our head around the possiblity that Father McKenzie is a bit self centered. After all, poor Eleanor is right there, cleaning in the church. For that matter, why does Eleanor never reach out to McKenzie?

"What, then, do you think is the answer to the question that the author asks? Where do the lonely people come from?"

And an answer comes from the boy who hasn't answered a question all term.

"England!!"

Where, Just For Grins, I Bring Back An Old Character

I just ran into the Leg Wrestler in the hall (do you know how long it took for me to choose the post I would link to for this child? How I love him! How I miss him!!). I haven't spoken with him in at least a month, and he waved excitedly at me, so I smiled as I approached him.

"LW!"

"I have a rash!"

I wasn't sure how to take that. Is he proud of the rash? Excited?