Tuesday, December 06, 2005

The Oprah Tells Me So

I got an email from Oprah today.

Let me clarify, my district English coordinator got an email from Oprah and she forwarded it to me.

She was thrilled to write me with exciting news for my high school students!

On January 16, 2006, The Oprah Show is doing something WE’VE NEVER DONE

BEFORE. In addition to announcing my new book club selection-which I

promise is mandatory reading for every human being on the planet-I will

also announce Oprah’s National High School Essay Contest to accompany it.

Evidently, after the new book club selection is announced, the essay contest is announced along with it. Students will have from January 16th to February 6th to read this book which all humans should read and craft an award winning essay. But she suggests I use this novel with my class. So I have from January 16th to February 6th to procure classroom sets of the book, read it with them, and then have essays done? Bless me, Oprah, I just can't handle it.

I am reminded of my days selling personal care products, when women would walk into the store with those Scooby-Doo zombie eyes. "I neeeeeed the Oprah Pumpkin Mask!!!!". "What do you meeeeean the Milk products are discontinued!?!? Oprah says they are wonderful!?!?".

I tell you, it's coming, next round of educational standards we draft will be done by Oprah.

It leads me to a post that I can't fully flesh out now: Ways Oprah Is Like Jesus. I will need your help, reader, hit me with ideas. Leave that bloglines window and comment.

1. It's not Oprah that bothers me as much as her followers.


EdWonk said...

Might there be money in a bumper-sticker that says: WWOD? I think that I can sense a business opportunity. ;-)

Susan said...

Please PLEASE finish the Ways Oprah is Like Jesus post.


Wasp Jerky said...

Oprah and Jesus are both ultra-rich fashionable black women.

educat said...

Indeed they are, Kevin, indeed they are.

This is gonna have to be an all skate, some of you people can do a better job on this than I.

Let's give it a shot:

-Both born poor
-Both lead people to read books they don't understand

Jim Jannotti said...

both appear to be completely loopy, totally 'round the bend.

Nicole said...

Both are people of color who target rich middle class white Americans.

educat said...

Neither can seem to get a commitment from Steadman.

Let's go on forever and ever, shall we?

Anonymous said...

...both refuse to take some official political office, to the dismay and dashed expectations of their followers...

Wasp Jerky said...

Neither voted for George W. in the last election.

(I seem incapable of participating in this without being a total smartass. :))

educat said...

Many believe that growing closer to both would make them wealthy.

Both have much crass commercialism surrounding their birthdays (maybe only the 50th for the Oprah, but still worth examining...).

educat said...

They both have television networks!

It just keeps coming, and I owe it all to you, friends.

Susan said...

What is the cartoon sitcom (The Simpsons, maybe? Or Futurama?) that makes the joke about Oprahism as a religion?

I'm in, if anyone wants to start a Church of Oprah.

Wait, I know! Both have made public appearances with prostitutes!

Anonymous said...

Jesus: Loaves and fish for all!
Oprah: Everyone in the audience gets a new car!

Jim Jannotti said...

So that's how Zalm got his new car!

Both died when they were thirtysomethings... oh wait, wishful thinking. Sorry.

educat said...

Oprah drinks gallons of water daily to maintain a glowing complexion

Jesus walked on water and most artist's renderings show him with what? A glow.

Jesus-Charged with claiming to be the King Of The Jews.

Oprah-Oft seen in the company of one Gayle King.

This is like the Kennedy/Lincoln thing!!!

Nicole said...

Both have epic works to their credit:

Jesus has the Bible, the redemptions of humankind.

Oprah has her 20th anniversary DVD.

Anonymous said...

Both have been made fun of by David Letterman.

Anonymous said...

Both Jesus and Oprah believe its in their best interest that Tom Cruise be a spokesperson for Scientology.

Anonymous said...

Jesus distributed loaves and fishes to the hungry multitude . . . while on a recent episode Oprah distributed Krispy Kremes to a hungry studio audience.