Wednesday, May 25, 2005

A List of Funny Things, Among Which is a Farewell to My Sweet Princess

I send bloggable bits to my gmail account whenever I encounter them during the day. They are all worth a tiny entry, so I shall make this a list.

  • Today a first hour child commented (with all respect) on how much I must pee because she sees me refill my coffee several times. I answered that although I might be drinking too much, I was really only topping off the cup every time. But then I imagined another answer (cue swirly dream music)

"Why yes, I do. Quite a bit, actually. In fact (and then a look of relief sweeps over me), I just did."

  • I helped my sister polish up her resume the other night. She has a program that allows the user to choose different careers, and then to choose descriptive phrases for your resume. She printed for me a sample resume for a Religious Ritual Slaughterer. Marvel at the duties.
    1. Slaughtered cattle, calves, and sheep as prescribed by
      religious law and examined parts of carcasses to
      determine whether carcasses met standards established by specific
    2. Sharpened knife on whetstone and washed knife
    3. Cut throat of animal, using single stroke
    4. Offered ritual prayers while slaughtering animal
    5. Inflated lungs with air to determine whether lungs were punctured

  • I love you, World O' Crap. This is why.
  • I plan to use the Surrealist Insult Generator to get through the last few days of school.
  • This will be the last story about Humanities. Unless they get better than this, I will not try to top it. We are talking about Dali, we read that he had a fear of touching and being touched and that he tried sex with both men and women and didn't enjoy either.

This confuses the entire class and so I explained that it seemed that Dali tried sex, didn't like it, and chose to become celibate.

LW: "What's celibate?"

Princess Grace breaks in: "Means you ain't sellin' nuttin!"

LW (shaking his head): "Oh, I am scarred."

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