Sunday, March 26, 2006

This Isn't Real Writing, But It Sure Is Funny

I have more weighty things on my mind, but it's taking me a while to flesh them out. In the meantime, storm season has arrived here in tornado alley and this hit my email inbox on Friday.

Non-locals may or may not forgive this, but Gary England is a prominent local meteorologist. He's been around for a zillion years and you can even catch him on the movie "Twister".

...and now he's a drinking game.

1. Everyone selects a storm chaser other than Val Caster. Every time Gary
talks to your storm chaser, you take one drink. Take two drinks every time we
see footage from your storm chaser. Take four drinks if your storm chaser says
"tornado on the ground."

2. Everyone selects a county other than Pottawatomie County. Every time
Gary mentions your county, you take one drink. Take two drinks every time we see
footage from your county. Take four drinks if a tornado touches down in your

One drink
1. Take one drink every time Gary says the following:"Hook echo"
"Updraft" "Metro" "Doppler radar" "Wall cloud" "Ranger 9"
"Underground" "Mobile home"
2. When Gary gives a list of counties, take one drink for every county in
the list.
3. Take one drink every time Gary interrupts a program. Take one drink if
Gary says "You're not missing any of [program name]." Take one drink when Gary
says "We'll keep you advised."

Two drinks
1. Take two drinks every time Gary says the following:"Baseball-sized hail"
"Waterloo Road" "Pottawatomie County" "Deer Creek High School"
2. Take two drinks every time Gary mentions the following towns:Altus
Burns Flat Dill City Gotebo Hydro Lookeba Meeker Mulhall Oktaha
Olustee Shattuck Slaughterville Tryon Vici Waukomis Wayne (or Payne)
Weleetka Wetumkah
3. Take two drinks every time Gary talks to Val Caster.

Three drinks
1. Take three drinks if we see footage from Val Caster.
2. Take three drinks if we see footage from Pottawatomie County.
3. Take three drinks if Gary mentions the following:"Immediate tornado
precautions" "National Weather Service" "Mesocyclone" "Portable Radio"
"Take shelter" "Tornado warning in effect until *"

Four drinks
1. Take four drinks if Ranger 9 must land to refuel.
2. Take four drinks if Gary issues his own tornado warning, not recognized
by the NWS or says the following:"Will someone please answer that phone?" "Do
you see power flashes?"
3. Take four drinks if a shirt-less tornado victim is interviewed.

Finish your drink
1. Finish your drink if someone uses the word tornado as a verb or if Gary
mentions the nearest cross streets to you.
2. If Gary says "We've lost Val," pour a little out for your homies and
finish your drink.

We added catagories.
1. If Gary speaks directly to children who are home alone, take a drink.
2. Take one drink for every article of clothing Gary takes off or loosens, take a drink. Touseled hair counts as well.
3. If ever ever again Gary says "We aren't fartin' around people!" the way he did on May 3rd, 1999 (I cannot testify to hearing it, I was taking shelter in the bathtub), drain the bottle.


Susan said...

I want to add: any time Gary says, "I think we've lost him" about one of the storm chasers, you drink.

Amerloc said...

On the bright side, I guess none of you will feel the storm when/if it hits.

Tina said...

These are great! You're going to have to use a shot glass if you want to make it through the pregame. I have an additional rule, if you don't mind. When Gary has to be told to leave the newsroom and got to the basement/safe place, have 4 drinks.

the anonymous teacher said...

I also live in tornado alley, and we recently had a tornado...pretty bad around where I am. I wish I would've known of this game before...could've adapted it for my local weatherpeople and not been so scared during the storm. In fact, I'm pretty sure by the time the tornado would've hit, I would've been passed out in the basement, sleeping like a baby.

educat said...

Anon, I have only been scared by a tornado once. I think I have the false sense of security common to folks around here. I go 35 years without getting hit so I somehow think it'll never happen to me.

Silly and dangerous, I know.

One of my favorite memories from my freshman year in college, though, was a tornado watch. We evacuated my dorm and all went to the basement. There was a group of girls who weren't "from around here". Oh, how they cried and prayed for their lives! My only concern was that I had to perform in chapel the next day.

I should probably worry more, I know.

Kelly said...

I can hear rednecks printing this all over Oklahoma...

Anonymous said...

I remember a comment from May 3rd, 1999. Gary advised the listening audience to get to a bathroom in the center of the house and "Wrap yourself around the toilet." hehehe

Chilihead2 said...

LOL! I'm from Enid but live in Tulsa now. We don't get to see Gary in all his glory these days. However, I was in OKC a few years ago when a tornado was coming and we had him on TV in the hotel. Things were getting pretty close to the station. At one point everyone had left the studio to seek cover (including Gary) but they forgot to tell the guys in the helicopter. They kept talking to Gary and finally they just say, "Gary? Gary? Gary?!?"

Barbara said...

I could not stop laughing at this. I live in Indiana now, but I lived in Midwest City, OK (OKC metro area) from 1998 to 2002, and I survived that tornado on May 3rd, 1999 after it hit our neighborhood. My neighborhood at S.E. 15th and Sooner Rd. was the last neighborhood hit. I took 12 rolls of film of the aftermath, and I have some very intesting photos (2 x 4's piercing the center of large trees, beds in tree branches, etc.) I remember all of Gary's sayings intimately. The scariest thing he ever said on May 3rd was.. if you are not below ground level, you will not survive this tornado. Those words were ringing in my ears as I saw that huge beast out my front window, and it was just behind the house across the street. As I dove under a mattress in the hallway, all I could think about was Gary saying those words about needing to be below ground level.... and I was kissing my a** goodbye...

Barbara said...

Oh yes, one more of Gary's sayings that could be added to the game is... "Talk to me, Val." After which, if Val finally speaks after about five or ten seconds in a very broken, staticky attempted response, the players could respond accordingly.... you get the picture.

sexy said...